Where is Bela Lugosi When You Need Him?

I am so freakin’ tired. I was sitting here wondering if the peppers in my pepper jack cheese count as a serving of vegetables, and wondering what shows to record this week. I might go for another round of the new so-called reality show on Lifetime “Dance Moms”.  It premiered last Wednesday after “Roseanne’s Nuts”, which is what we were actually trying to watch and missed altogether. But then again, I might not.

This “Dance Moms” show is like a “Toddlers & Tiaras” for the elementary school set, or possibly what would have happened if the “Charm School” girls had duped rich guys into marrying them, and then spawned. I gotta wonder how much of this outrageousness is staged, since my complete lack of trust in the entertainment industry makes me suspicious. ( I still haven’t gotten over “Operation Repo” being 100% reenacted). If even one bit of this show is staged, then it is vomitous what they are doing to these young girls.  Even unstaged, it borders on child abuse. Hmmm…maybe more than borders. I hope the moms don’t spend all of the show money on hooker heels, bars and spray tans, because these little girls are gonna be needing some serious therapy after being pushed, prodded and degraded by mom and their so-called dance coach.

If you’re going to do a “reality” show, then at least don’t destroy entire young lives. For instance, I was watching the film, “Ed Wood”,  for about the 27th time the other day (hey – anything to keep from writing, huh?), and it occurred to me that poor Bela really missed out on the whole reality TV phenomenon. If he had been around now, he could have really raked it in and become a HUGE celebrity. First, there would have been the whole Celebrity Rehab stint with Dr. Drew. Then, we could have tried to keep up with him as he mindlessly wandered though his meaningless days. Then of course, he would realize just how mindless and meaningless life is without the perfect partner, so we could have watched with anticipation as he met and wooed 20 complete freaks of nature to find his soulmate. It could have been called “Dracula of Love”.  But he definitely would not have died alone and at the mercy of crushing debt, obscurity, and with only the love and compassion of a man who would one day be voted worst director of all time.

Actually, Ed Wood himself would have been an awesome reality TV star. Maybe he and Bela could have teamed up and done “Dracula is 70 and Still Single”, or “Ed Wood Knows Best”, or “Methadone Addict Actor”, or “Dracula & Wood Plus Failure”, or “3 Really Bad Films and Still Counting”, or “Vampires and Cashmere Sweaters”, or, well, you get the idea. I just wish we could see some true colorful characters – ones that are somewhat more interesting and less bland than say, I don’t know, Speidi.  Because wouldn’t Bela, Ed, Vampira, Thor and the entire gang have been so much more fun and watchable than any New Jersey native ponderously hot tubbing and fake-fighting through life ever hope to be?


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